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prayer It is important for
beginners in prayer to start off by becoming detached from every
category of
satisfaction and to enter the
path of prayer solely with the determination to help
Jesus carry the
cross like good cavaliers, who desire to
serve their Lord at no salary since
their salary is certain.
I shall say nothing
about things of which I do not have much experience.
Beginners must
realize that they are
starting to cultivate a garden on very
barren soil, full of abominable weeds.
The Lord pulls up the weeds and plants
good seed. With the help of the
Lord
we must strive, like
good gardeners, to get these plants to grow and
take pains to water them so that they
don't wither but come to bud and flower and give forth a most pleasant
fragrance.
The garden can be
watered in four ways. You may draw
water from a well, you may get
water by means of a
water wheel and aqueducts,
water may flow from a
river or a stream
or the water may be provided by a great
deal of rain from the
heavens.
A
soul beginning to practice prayer will have
begun to water the
garden.
Water from
heaven (rain) often comes when the
gardener is least
expecting it, although
in the beginning it almost always occurs after
a long period of mental prayer and reflection.
In mystical
theology the
intellect ceases to
work because the
Lord suspends it. (Taking it upon
oneself to stop and suspend thought
should not be done; nor should we
cease to work with the
intellect, because
otherwise we would be left like
cold simpletons and be doing neither one
thing nor the
other.)
When the Lord suspends
the intellect and causes it
to stop, the Lord gives it that which
holds its attention and makes it marvel; and without reflection the
soul
understands more in the
space of a moment than
we can
understand with all
our wordly diligence in many
years.
The
Lord gave me, in a
moment, crystal clear
understanding so that
I knew how to
explain the
love the Lord grants through prayer in a
way that amazed me.
Through prayer a divine
spark of the
Lord's true love begins
to enkindle in the soul.
He
desires that the
soul grow in the
enlightenment of what this
love accompanied by
delight is. For anyone who has
had the experience it is
impossible not to
understand that this
divine spark cannot be acquired.
The quietude and recollection of this divine
spark of the
Lord's spirit
will be noticed no matter how small it is.
Our
mind, so eager for
delight, is quickly left cold
because no matter how much we may
desire to kindle the
spark and obtain this
delight,
we appear to be unable to do any
thing
other than throw
water on it and
kill it. If
we do not extinguish it, through
our own
fault, this tiny divine
spark is what will begin to enkindle in
our
soul the large
fire that throws forth the
flames of the
Lord's love.
The
mind calmly and
wisely must
understand that one does
not deal well with the Lord by
force and that
our efforts are like the careless
use of large pieces of wood which
smother this small divine spark.
Every
thing is in
motion here; the
mind is representing, and the
memory hurrying about. For certainly these
faculties tire me out from time to time; and although I have
a poor memory, I
cannot subdue it.
One should
realize this and
humbly say: "Lord, what am
I capable of here?" (Or
other
words that come to
mind out of a
true love of
Jesus grounded in the
true knowledge of
real experience.)
At this time one should pay no attention to the
mind, for it is a grinding mill. The
mind may
desire to share what it
enjoys or may work to recollect the
memory, for often it will find itself in
this union, calm while the intellect wanders about
aimlessly. It is better that the soul leave
the intellect alone than go
after it, and that it remain like a wise
bee in the recollection and in enjoyment of the
Lord's gift of
love. For if no bee were to enter the
beehive and each were employed in going after the
other no honey could be made.
As a result, the soul will
lose a great deal if it is not careful
in this matter, especially if the
intellect is keen. For when
the intellect begins to
compose speeches and search for ideas,
though insignificant, it will think it
is doing some thing if they are
well expressed.
One should not always weary oneself in seeking reflections
but just remain here in His
presence with the
intellect quiet and bask in
His love.
The
idea
our
intellect should have here
is a clear understanding
that we are very near the
Lord and ask for
His gifts not with the noise of
words but with longing that
He
hear us. This is a
category of prayer that
includes many things and in which
more of the Lord's
love is obtained than through a great deal
of reflection by the intellect.
In
the beginning I was ignorant of this because I didn't know that the
Lord was in all
things, and though
He seemed so present to
me, I
thought this
omnipresence was
impossible.
I could not stop believing that
He was here since it seemed to
me that I
understood very clearly
that He was here by the very
presence of
Him I
felt in my
soul.
Those who had no
knowledge told me
that He was present only by
grace. I
could not believe this, because, as
I say, it seemed to me
He was present; and so I was confused.
A very knowledgeable
man from the order of the
glorious St. Dominic
freed me from this
doubt, for he told me that the
Lord was present and of how the
Lord
communicates
Himself to
our
soul; this truth consoled me
tremendously.
The Lord in
His greatness
desires that the
soul
understand that
He is so close it no longer needs to
send Him messengers but can speak with
Him itself and not by shouting since
He is so near that when the
soul merely moves its lips,
He
understands it. It seems
impertinent to say this since we
all know that the
Lord always is here with us. There is no
doubt about His
presence.
The
Lord
desires for
us to
know that
He loves us, that
His presence is
real, and that
He wants to begin to
work in the soul in a special way. All of this that the
Lord
desires is manifest in the great
interior and exterior contentment
He gives the
soul and in the difference there is, as
I said, between this
delight and the
happiness and
delights of
Earth, for this
delight appears to fill the
void that through
our sin we
have caused in the soul.
This
contentment takes place in the
soul's very intimate depths, and the
soul doesn't
know where the
contentment comes from or how, nor
frequently does it
know what to do or what to
desire or what to ask for. It
appears it has found every thing
at once and doesn't know what it has
found.
In those to whom this
experience happens, the effects are
remarkable. First, there is a manifestation of the tremendous
power of the Lord and of how
we are incapable, when the
Lord
desires, of holding back the
body any more than the
soul, nor is
our
intellect or
mind the soul's
master. Rather, whether or
not we
wish,
we
see that there is
One who is superior, that these
favors are given by
Him, and that of
ourselves
we can do
absolutely nothing; deep
humility is impressed upon the
soul.
The
Lord's radiant love causes no
harm, no matter how long it lasts.
At least it never caused me any, nor do I recall the Lord
ever having granted me His
favor that I did not feel
much better afterward no matter how ill
I had been before.
The
experience of
feeling the
Lord's love also leaves a rare detachment, which
I am unable to describe. I mean
that more than spiritual things
alone are involved. For now that the mind is completely detached from
things, it appears that the
Lord wants to effect this detachment in
the body itself, and there is brought
about a new estrangement from worldly things.
From this
experience comes the
pain of having to return to
every day life;
wings have sprouted enabling one to fly with ease; the fledgling has shed its
down; Jesus's banner is now completely
raised. It seems just as though the soul
climbs, or is taken up, to the highest tower to raise the banner for the
Lord. The soul looks at those below as one who is out of
.
In this
state of grace the
soul sees very clearly now.
Our soul should fix
our
vision on the true and everlasting
wisdom which
we are trying to gain. It is very
important to keep this wisdom always in
mind, especially
in the beginning. For afterward it is
seen so clearly that rather than striving
to keep remembering the short
time every
thing lasts and how every
thing is nothing it becomes clear
it is necessary to forget these things in order to
live.
When a prayer is
answered from the Lord's
spirit, there is no need to go dredging up
things in order to derive some
humility and shame because the
Lord Himself gives these
favors in a manner very
different from that which we gain
through our
reason. For such
humility is nothing in
comparison with the true
humility the
Lord with
His light teaches a humble
soul.
It is
well known that the
Lord gives a true knowledge that
makes the soul
realize it is not
good in and of
itself; and the greater the
Lord
favors the
soul, the greater is this
knowledge. The Lord bestows a strong
desire to advance in union through
prayer no matter what trial may come upon one. The
soul offers itself up in all
things. The
soul feels sure, while still being humble,
that it is redeemed.
The
Lord casts out from the
soul all servile
fear and grants a
feeling of
awe at the power of His
love. The
body is left so light that all its
weight is gone and sometimes this feeling reached such a point that one
does not know how to put one's feet on
the earth.
This is ascension of
the soul to the
Lord; it is also called ecstacy.
When one sees one's
body so elevated
from the Earth that even though the
soul carries the
body along after
itself, and does so very gently if one does
not resist, one's feelings are not
entirely lost. At least I was
conscious in such a
way that I could
understand
I was being elevated.
There is revealed a majesty
about the One who can do this that makes a
individual's hair
stand on edge.
It is true that
in the beginning these
feelings pass quickly - at least it
happened this way to me -
that neither these exterior signs nor the
failure of the
senses are very noticeable. But the
soul well
understands that the
sun's brightness therein, as the
brightness melted the
soul away.
It is noteworthy that the
longest space of time, in my
opinion, in which the
soul remains in this suspension of all the
senses is very short; should it remain
suspended for a half hour, this would be a very longtime. I do not think
I ever experienced this suspension for that
long.
It is true that since there is no
sensory
consciousness one finds it hard to
know what is happening. While the
soul is seeking the
Lord in this way, it feels with the most marvelous and
gentlest delight that every
thing is almost fading away
through a category of swoon
in which breathing and all the bodily energies gradually
fail.
The
soul
desires periods of
solitude in order to
enjoy this new found spiritual sustenance.
The soul is
aware of the
beginning of an
understanding of the
Lord's love.
In arriving here the
soul begins soon to
lose its craving for worldly
things and little
wonder! Clearly that one
moment of the enjoyment of glory cannot be
experienced here below, neither are
there riches, or rewards, or
delights that are able to
provide a brief moment of this
bliss, for it is a
true bliss that causes the
soul complete
contentment.
The
Lord's love is the beginning of all blessings. The flowers of the
garden are already at the point in which
hardly any thing is lacking for
them to bud; and the soul
sees this very clearly.
In no
way is the soul
able to believe that the
Lord is not with the
soul as doubt ends.
To one who
has no experience this explanation
will appear confusing. It is not
surprising that there is confusion when a
individual like myself wants
to speak of such a thing and to
give some explanation of an experience
that it seems one cannot even begin to put into words. Those who have had this
experience will
understand
me, for I do not
know how to describe this being raised
up if it is not understood through
experience.
The
soul is so satisfied with the
Lord that as long as the recollection
lasts, the quiet and calm are not lost since the will is united
with the Lord even though the
sense's are distracted as little by little
the will brings the
intellect and the
memory back to
recollection.
This quietude and
recollection is some thing that
is clearly felt through the
peace bestowed on the
soul, along with great contentment
and calm and a very gentle delight in the sense's. It appears to the
soul, since it hasn't gone further, that
there is nothing left to desire.
But there is!
Further prayer creates union of the
soul with the
Lord's love and what this union is, I do not know how to
explain. These matters
are expounded in mystical
theology; I would not
know the proper
words. Neither do I
understand what the
mind is; nor do I
know how it differs from the
soul or the spirit. The soul, mind and spirit all appear to be the same
thing to me, although the soul
sometimes goes forth from itself.
The way the soul goes forth from
itself is comparable to what happens when a
fire is burning and
flameing as it becomes a
forceful
blaze. The
flame then shoots very high above the
fire, but the
flame is not by that
reason some
thing different from the
fire but the same
flame that is in the
fire.
What I am attempting to
explain is what the
soul feels when it is in this divine union.
What union is we already
know since it means that two
separate
thing become one.
May
all things praise
You, my
Lord, for
You have so
loved
us that
we can truthfully speak of this
communication which
You engage in with
our
soul.
It frightens those whose
intellects are concerned
with things of the
Earth that they have no
intellect by which they can
understand divine
truths.
This
category of union
I wish to
explain often happens
especially to me since the
Lord
frequently gives
me this category of
favor. The elevation of the
spirit, or joining with heavenly
love takes place within this very union. For the
Lord takes to
Himself the
will and even the
intellect so that it might
not engage in discourse but with rejoicing in
Him like those who are now contemplating
and who see so much that they don't
know where to fix their gaze looking
now here, now there, without being able to
perceive clearly any
one thing.
The
memory remains
free, but it appears to be joined with
the imagination.
The
experience of this union resembles the
death agony with the difference that
the suffering bears along with it such
great happiness that I do not know what
to compare the ecstacy with. It is an arduous, delightful
martyrdom since it admits no earthly thing representable to the
soul.
The
soul clearly
understands that it
desires only the
Lord's love.
The
soul does not love any particular aspect of the
Lord, but loves Him all together and
knows not what it
loves. I say it "knows not" because the
imagination doesn't represent any
thing; nor, in my opinion, do the
senses function during much of the time
that this takes place. Just as joy
suspends the senses, so it is
pain that suspends them here.
In this
pain the
soul is
purified and fashioned or purged
like gold in the crucible.
Whoever may have
experienced the
Lord's love will know
some thing about it; since what
happens is so obscure, it can not be
explained more clearly.
I can only say that the soul appears to be joined to the
Lord, and there remains such certitude
about this union that the soul cannot help
believing in the truth of this union.
As
the soul basks in the
Lord's love all the senses fail
and they are so suspended that in no way does one
think they are
working. If one is reflecting upon
some scriptural event, it becomes as lost to the
memory as it would be if there had never
been any thought of it. If one
reads, there is no
remembrance of what was
read; nor is there any
remembrance if one prays vocally. Thus
this bothersome little moth, which is the memory, gets its wings burnt here; it can no
longer move. The will is fully
content basking in the
Lord's love, but it doesn't
understand how it
knows this
love. The,
intellect, if it
understands, does not
understand how it
understands; at least it
can not comprehend any
thing of what it
understands.
I understand and have
seen through
experience that the
soul is left with such
freedom over all
things that it does not even
know itself. The
soul does not
know how so much
good was given it, but it well
understands the
tremendous benefit that each of this joyful ecstasies bears with it!
There is no one who believes this
if they have not experienced it!
Soon the soul becomes obsessed with
serving the Lord not just a little but
as much as it can although these desires do not spring from the
soul but from the
Lord to whom the
soul has given the keys of its
will.
The
virtues are now stronger and the
soul can not ignore them. The
soul begins to perform great deeds by means
of the fragrance the flowers
give, for the Lord
desires that they bloom so that
the soul may
see that it
possesses
virtue although the
soul is very clearly
aware that it could not have
acquired this virtue in and of
itself and in that
moment
understands the
heavenly Gardener granted these
favors through
His mercy
and grace.
The soul
understands that it is
enjoying a good
in which are gathered together all goods,
but this good is
incomprehensible. All the
senses are engaged in this
joy in such a way that none is free to be taken up with any
other exterior or interior
thing.
Here the
humility that remains in the
soul is much greater and more profound than
in the past.
Here I
see the evil that sin
causes in us since
corruption so holds
us in its
power that
we cannot do what
we
desire to do in order to be always
in union with the Lord.
The
soul begins to be of benefit to its
neighbors almost without knowing it or
doing any thing of itself.
Other
souls recognize this
soul because now the fragrance of the
flowers has reached the point in which it attracts many
other
souls.
In regard to
thinking of wordly things, the
Lord granted me
the favor to
understand the
truth that my reflecting
on things of this
Earth would require no small amount of
boldness.
Other
individuals will benefit
from such reflection, especially if they have gone through studies. In
my opinion a
background of studies is like a treasure to aid in this practice of union with
the Lord if the studies are accompanied
by humility.
I hold that:
Discretion is required in every
thing;
Those who in
fact risk all for the
Lord will find that they have both lost
all and gained all;
The soul clearly
understands that
the flight is given to the
spirit so that it may be
elevated;
There is no one now
living who
sees directly the great
illusion in which
we walk and the
blindness in which
we
suffer;
Corruption will not deceive with
illusions the
individual of prayer who
consults knowledgeable
men, unless this
individual wants to be
deceived;
If the
Lord has given you the
grace to enjoy His
love, you will through your
intelligence and
knowledge
understand what is being
said here;
It is one grace
to receive the Lord's
favor;
another, to
understand which
favor and
grace it is; and a third, to
know how to describe and
explain it;
One
does not know how to speak of union
with the Lord, nor do I think anyone will
believe me or
understand it is possible
unless they have experienced it
themselves;
If by nature someone
is loving and
grateful, the
memory of the previous
favors the
Lord has granted does more to bring such
a individual back to the
Lord than all the infernal
punishments
imaginable;
Frequently the
body is made healthy and stronger for
it was really sick and full of great
sufferings because some
thing wonderful is given to the
soul in this union with the
Lord!
How great is the
knowledge of the
soul brought to ecstacy by the
Lord's love; it beholds every
thing without being ensnared! How
ashamed it feels of the
time when it was ensnared! How frightened of
its blindness!
What
pity it
feels for those who are still in
this blindness, especially if they are
individuals of prayer whom
the Lord already
favors!
The
soul wants to cry out in order to make
known how
deceived they are. Sometimes the
soul even does so and a thousand
persecutions rain down upon upon it. Teachers consider this
individual lacking in
humility, especially if she is
a woman, and point out that she
desires to teach the one from whom
she should be learning.
As a result they
condemn this
soul because they do not
know the loving impulse that moves it. For at times the
mind can not help but disillusion nor
endure not disillusioning those whom it
loves and
desires to be set
freed from the
prison of
corruption, since the
corrupt life that it formerly
lived was nothing else than a
prisoner's
life; nor does it appear to the
soul to have been any
thing else than a
prison.
The soul deplores the
time in which it was concerned about its
reputation and deplores the deception
it suffered in
believing that what
men called 'honor' was in truth
honor.
The
soul sees how this
belief about 'honor' is the greatest
lie and that all of us are involved in
it.
The soul laughs to itself over
the time when it esteemed
money and
coveted wealth, although in this matter of
coveting
money, I do
not think I ever
confessed a fault; but it was
fault enough to have esteemed it. If
with money I
could have bought the good I now see in
myself, I would have
esteemed it highly; but I
see that this
good is won by giving up every
thing. What is it
we buy with this
money
we
desire? Is it some
thing
valuable? Is it some
thing lasting? Oh, why do
we
desire it? Miserable is the rest
achieved that costs so dearly.
Frequently one obtains
hell with
money and buys everlasting
fire and
pain.
In spite of what
I am, I
experience great consuming impulses to
tell this truth to those who are
rulers.
The
soul
understands that
authentic honor
stands not with
error but with the truth.
Here is my
life, here is my
honor and my will.
I have given all to You, I am
Yours, make use of me
according to Your
will. I
see clearly,
Lord, the little I
am capable of. Yet, in having reached You, having climbed to this watchtower,
I see the
Truth.
This
soul recognizes well, from far off, those
who have only a lot of words and those who
have confirmed their words with works. It
understands the small
amount of good that the former do and the
great amount that the latter do and this is some
thing that anyone who has
experience
sees very clearly.
The more that love and
humility grow, the greater the
fragrance these flowers of
virtue give off, both for
oneself and for
others. It is
true that in this joyful ecstasy the
Lord can work in the soul in such a way
that only a little labor is still required in order that it reach perfect
contentment, for no one who does not
have this experience will be able to
believe what the
Lord gives the
soul in this stage. In my opinion no effort
of ours brings
us to this
perfect
contentment.
The soul's
thoughts become so accustomed to
understanding what the
real Truth
is that every thing else appears
to it to be child's play. The
soul sometimes laughs to itself when it
sees seriously
religious and prayerful
individuals making a big
issue out of some
rules of etiquette. They claim that this is a
matter of discretion and of the prestige accompanying their office so that they
might bring about more good.
The
soul knows very well that they would bring
about more good in one
day than they would in ten years if for the
love of the
Lord they
thought a lot less of the prestige of
their office.
From the time the
Lord began to grant me His
favor up until now,
His fortitude has always been
increasing; and in His
goodness He has held me in the
palm of His
hand so that I might not turn back. Nor
does it appear to me that I do
hardly any thing on
my part and that is true;
I understand clearly that it
is the Lord who does every
thing.
Hence it appears
to me that a soul upon
whom the Lord bestows these
favors and who receive them
with humility always
understanding that it is
the Lord
Himself who grants them and that
we ourselves, who do almost nothing, could be
placed in the company of any category of
people. Even if these
people are distracted and
corrupt, the
soul will not be disturbed or enticed in any
thing; on the contrary, this
experience will help it and serve as a
means to greater progress.
This is now a strong
soul that the
Lord chooses to benefit
others, even though the
soul's fortitude doesn't come from the
will. Little by little, as the
soul approaches the
Lord in this stage,
He
communicates to it very deep
secrets.
When
my soul reached the
stage where the Lord granted it such a
great favor by unifying
my soul with the
Lord's, the
corruption in me
disappeared as the Lord gave
me strength to break away from it.
It didn't
bother me to be amid the occasions of falling and with
humans who formerly distracted
me any more than if there were no occasions at all; what
used to do me harm was helping me.
All things were a means for fully
knowing and loving the Lord more.
-Saint Teresa of Avila, from The Book of Her
Life
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