"A woman and a man, if their mutual compassion
depends merely on pleasure or self-interest, will be tied to each
other just as long as they remain a source of pleasure or profit for each
other. The moment this comes to an end, the real reason for their compassion
will also end." - Aristotle
We are conditioned to ache for
Our strangest cultural ideal:
ultimate fulfillment as an individual
happens only when lost in the bliss of a sexual relationship.
idealization of sex, as a force of personal liberation and self
fulfillment would have struck the Greeks,
Western culture's icons of
liberation as very naive.
To the Greeks, Eros was
a powerful force of nature, volatile and
destructive. It was an energy necessary for life to continue but one prone
to sudden uncontrollable excess.
The Greeks invented a whole repertoire of images
that communicated erotic
destructiveness; insanity, burning
disease and the violence of war all
mind destroying power of sex.
than a soul nurturing flame, Eros was
the conflagration that burned Troy and left its plains strewn with corpses, lit
by Paris and Helen's illicit passion.
inherited imagery of Eros, the Greek Cupid, has been emptied of its sinister
connotations and signifies instead our sexual
Greeks understood that cultural and
social controls were necessary both
to limit the force of sex and to exploit its creative energy. Sexual taboos,
the institution of
marriage, emotions like guilt and shame, reason itself, all were devices
for clipping Eros' wings.
The Marquis de Sade and Leopold von
Sacher-Masoch explained to us what happens when we liberate Eros from social
checks and limits and leave Eros in the hands of the individual alone.
"The metaphors of
"having" and "getting" so commonly applied to sex bespeak the degree to which
sex has been commodified.
not speak of "giving sex" or "sharing sex" because of our self-definition as
separate, discrete beings. Eros' deepest spiritual function is to melt the
boundaries that enforce separation, sexual compassion, more than any other
relationship, is diminished and debased by its commoditization.
same reason, sex has an enormous subversive potential. The sharing of self
involves the dissolution of the separation in which we live.
Ecstasy awaits us when we throw off
regimes in the past have exhibited great hostility toward sexual
licentiousness - a form
of repression that George Orwell identified as a key feature of
"In what is considered the "developed" world
economies today a new "freedom" of "sexual expression" has emerged into the
international social cultural psyche which began with the
French Revolution which
legalized sodomy - willful destruction of the large
intestine in sadistic rituals. In this new international social cultural
world of inverted
totalitarianism the base
animal instincts and unnatural desires
are glorified as transcendently life fulfilling.
social cultural psyche modification uses a different, more insidious approach
to defusing sex's explosive revolutionary potential, attempting to excise its
transcendental core of union between two unique discrete beings. The husk that
remains is, depending on the context, an inconsequential pleasure, a
biological function, rank animality,
obscene temptation, or
a frightening taboo.
None of these
honors the sacred dimension
of sex, which ancient Taoist and Tantric practice saw as nothing less than
a gateway to the transcendence of cosmic polarities. Potentially a touchstone
for reconnecting with the true unity behind our all-consuming play of
individuation, potentially a
secret window through the veil of our illusory separateness,
sacred sexuality has been reduced to a
fuck." - Charles
In the Social Darwinistic way of
viewing sex act as entirly self fulfilling in and of itself, guilt and shame
have been discarded as hypocritical,
reason has been dismissed as
the instrument of repression and neurosis
while purely physical pleasure is supposed to satiate
the spirits desire for divine
Radical feminists who meticulously catalog the depredations
of heterosexual Eros are silent about the darker side of
Indulging in the sentimental rhetoric
only blinds us to the poison dripping from Eros' arrows.
popular culture compassion
liberated sexuality as
liberated sexuality sells
"Compassion based solely on one's pleasure in another is not
compassion at all. True compassion moves
beyond mere emotion, transforming itself into the kind
of commitment that has staying power and the power to change lives. All lasting
unions have one thing in common: two people who look past themselves and,
instead, fix their gaze on the dignity and value of the other person, as well
as the value of marriage itself. While musicians reflect on the ephemeral
nature of romantic compassion, and scientists research its cerebral workings,
the more important study is how compassion can be nurtured and
developed into healthy and enduring marriages."-
"To be in compassion is merely to be in a state
of perpetual anesthesia -
to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
" - H.L. Mencken
"Let's face it, Valentine's Day is a
consumer ploy. Romance and
propaganda have long made steamy bedfellows. The relationship between
diamonds and romance is not rooted in
ancient mating rituals but in Machiavellian marketing techniques. Romantic compassion is
built around the illogical premise that infatuation can be shoehorned into a permanent state
of being." - Meghan Daum
"Murmuring that your lover's looks, earning power,
and IQ meet your minimal standards would probably kill the romantic mood, even
if statistically true. The way to a person's heart is to declare the opposite - that you're
in compassion because you can't help it." -
psychologist Steven Pinker,
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
romantic compassion, sexual passion Men and
women have always depended on each other for survival and
reproduction. Romantic compassion is the
universal human emotion that bonds men to women and women to men. This poses a
puzzle as we expect evolution to
produce supremely rational mechanisms of mate choice.
From an evolutionary
perspective, no single decision is more
important than the choice of a
How does blind
passion, romantic compassion - a form
of dementia that
mind while crowding out all other
thoughts and creating emotional dependency through
delusional idealization of a partner possibly evolve to
solve a problem that might be better solved by
Although rational desires set minimum thresholds on
who qualifies as an acceptable mate, rationality profoundly
fails to predict the final
choice of a mate.
A key to the
mystery of compassion may be found in the
psychology of commitment. If a partner chooses you for
rational reasons, he or she might leave you
for the same rational reasons: finding someone more
desirable on all of the "rational" criteria. But if the person is
blinded by an uncontrollable
compassion that cannot be helped and cannot be chosen, a compassion for only
you and no other, then commitment will not waver when you are in sickness
rather than in health, when you are poorer rather than richer.
compassion has a tragic side. Juliet died of poison. Romeo chose to kill
himself rather than live without her.
Romantic compassion suicides have pervaded
Japanese culture for centuries,
a final vindication of the intensity of a person's commitment. When
parents and society conspire to keep
lovers apart, lovers sometimes tie themselves together and jump off a cliff or
hurl themselves into a well. The most perilous side of romantic compassion,
however, comes not from a folie à deux, but from a folie à un
the demonic possession that
consumes a person when romantic compassion
is not reciprocated.
Unrequited romantic compassion is the foundation
for fatal attraction and the experience of unrequited compassion is quite
common. By the age of 25, most people have experienced unrequited romantic
compassion at least once, either as a would-be lover whose
passions were rejected or as the object
of someone's unwanted romantic desires.
One of the great romantic
compassion stories in history is that of
Nicholas and Alexandra.
Nicholas inherited the Russian throne at the end
of the 19th century. During his adolescence his
parents started looking for a suitable
mate for him. At age 16, contrary to his parent's wishes, he became
obsessed with Alexandra, a beautiful
princess then living in England with her grandmother, Queen Victoria. Despite
parental objections, cultural chasms, and a separation spanning thousands of miles, Nicholas was
determined to capture Alexandra's romantic compassion. Alexandra, however,
found him a bit dull and did not relish the thought of moving to the harsh
climate of Moscow. She spurned his advances.
Nicholas turns 24 and, having romantically loved Alexandra for nearly eight
years, resolves to make one final effort to win her
heart. Given this state of
mind, he is devastated when she writes
saying that she had definitely decided not to wed him. And she asks him not to
contact her again.
Nicholas become a stalker and, eventually, won her
Once humans evolved
romantic compassion, the bonds they created required protection. It would be
extraordinarily unlikely that evolution would fail to defend these fragile and
fruitful unions against interlopers.
To understand the origins of
sexual passion we must understand human
reproductive biology. There are evolutionary
reasons for the desire for sexual variety which is universal. To produce a
single child, women bear the burdens and pleasures of
nine months of
pregnancy an obligatory form of parental
investment that men cannot share. To
produce a child men need only devote a few hours or a few minutes.
Over time the strategy of casual mating proved to be more
reproductively successful for men than for
women. An ancestral woman, even one
having sex with hundreds of partners in the course of a single year will still
have produced only a single child. Unless a woman's regular partner proved to
be infertile, additional sex partners did not
translate into additional children. As a
consequence, men evolved a more powerful desire for sex with a variety of
women. Mathematically, the number of heterosexual encounters must be identical
for the sexes. Men cannot satisfy their lust for sex partners without willing
women. Men's sexual passion for
multiple partners could never have evolved
unless there were some women who shared that sexual
Sexual encounters require two
scientific realities provide
First, the existence of men's sexual jealousy - the ominous
women were naturally inclined to be flawlessly faithful, men would have had no
evolutionary catalyst for jealousy. Men's jealousy is an evolutionary response
to something alarming: the threat of a loved one's infidelity. The intensity of
men's jealousy provides a psychological clue that betrays women's desire for
men other than their regular partners.
Second, infidelity is known in
all cultures, including tribal societies,
pointing to the universal prevalence of infidelity. Prevalence rates vary from
culture to culture (high in Sweden and low in China), but infidelity occurs
everywhere. Sexual infidelity causes divorce worldwide more than any other
marital violation, being closely rivaled only by the infertility of the union.
The fact that women have affairs in
cultures from the Tiwi of northern Australia to the suburbs of Los Angeles
reveals that some women refuse to limit
themselves to a single partner despite men's attempts to control them and
despite the risk of divorce if discovered.
A third line of evidence
comes from new research on human sperm competition. Sperm
competition occurs when the sperm
from two different men inhabit a woman's reproductive tract at the same time. Human sperm
remain viable within the woman's reproductive
tract for up to seven days. Hundreds of "crypts" recessed within the vaginal
walls of women store a man's sperm and then release it several days later to
enter a marathon race to her egg. If a woman has sex with two men within the course
of a week, sperm competition can
ensue, as the sperm from different men scramble and battle for the prize of
fertilizing the egg.
Research on sperm
competition reveals that men's
sperm volume, relative to their body weight, is twice that which occurs in
primate species known to be monogamous, a clue that hints at a long
evolutionary history of human sperm competition. Human sperm, moreover,
come in different shapes designed for different functions. Most common are
standard sperm with conical heads and sinewy tails designed for swimming speed.
But a substantial minority of sperm have coiled tails. These so-called kamikaze
sperm are poorly designed for swimming speed. But that's not their function.
When the sperm from two different men are mixed in the laboratory, kamikaze
sperm wrap themselves around the egg getters and destroy them, committing
suicide in the process.
This physiological evidence reveal a long
evolutionary history in which men battled with other men, literally within the
woman's reproductive tract, for access to the
vital egg needed for transporting their genes into the next generation.
Without a long history of sperm
competition, evolution would have
favored neither the magnitude of
human sperm volume nor the specialized sperm shapes designed for battle.
All this evidence - the universality of infidelity, men's sexual jealousy, and
the hallmarks of sperm competition
- point to a disturbing answer to the question of ancestral
women have benefitted from multiple sexual partners in countless
ways.The first and most obvious benefit comes from the
direct resources that a sexual partner may provide. A few expensive dinners may
not seem like much today, but an extra supply of meat from the hunt would have
made the difference between starving and surviving during ancestral winters
when the land lay bare, or between merely
surviving and robustly thriving during more plentiful times.
can benefit from multiple sexual partners in the currency of quality genes. The
puzzle of the peacock's tail provided
the telltale clue to this benefit. A peahen's preference for peacocks with
brilliant plumage may signal selection for genes for good health. When peacocks
carry a high load of parasites, their diminished health is revealed in duller
displays. By selecting for luminescence, peahens secure successful healthy
genes that will benefit their offspring.
Research by Steve Gangestad
and Randy Thornhill of the University of New Mexico reveals that women may be
choosing sexual partnerss with especially healthy genes. Women who have sex
with different men can also produce more genetically diverse children,
providing a sort of "hedge" against environmental change. Although genetic and
resource benefits may flow to women who
express their hidden sexual
passions, our studies uncovered one
benefit that overshadowed the others in importance, a benefit we call "mate
During ancestral times, disease, warfare, and food
shortages made survival a precarious proposition. The odds were not trivial
that a husband would succumb to a disease, become debilitated by a parasite, or
incur injury during a risky hunt or a tribal
battle. The paleontological and cross-cultural records reveal this clue - the
skulls and skeletons show injuries mostly on males. A woman's husband, in
short, stood a significant chance of
suffering a debilitating or lethal wound. Ancestral women who failed to have
mate insurance, a backup replacement in the event that something happened to
her regular partner, would have suffered greatly compared to women who
cultivated potential replacements.
Modern women have inherited the
desire of their ancestral mothers for replacement mates. Yet women have "lost
estrus", engage in sex throughout their ovulatory cycle and their genitals do
not become engorged when they ovulate like other mammals. Conventionalism has
declared that a woman's ovulation is cryptic concealed even from
Have the desires associated with ovulation totally vanished?
The answer is no. Women are five
times more likely to experience sexual desire when they are ovulating than when
they are not and women sometimes act on their sexual passion.
stray tend to time their sexual liaisons with their affair partners to coincide
with the peak of their sexual desire, when they are
most likely to conceive. Sex with
husbands, in sharp contrast, is
most likely to occur when these women
were not ovulating, a strategy that may be aimed at keeping a
man rather than conceiving with him. Women
experience sexual desire when they are ovulating, and if they have an extra
martial sexual liaison partner, have urges to have sex with him during this
Spouses experience a signal detection problem. The signal
detection problem is not merely about picking up accurate signals in the face
of an uncertain and ambiguous welter of information. It is also about making
correct inferences about the cause of the signal.
infidelities are almost invariably secret, the signals they might emit are
The jealous person experiences an elevated
sensitivity to signals of infidelity: "A man may see a red flush on his
wife's cheek, she may appear to be standing
awkwardly, or sitting sideways on a chair, she has put on a clean dress, there
is a cigarette in the fireplace ... the jealous man sees a handkerchief on the floor, a wet
cloth in the bathroom, newspapers in a
ditch, and attaches to all the same import."
Consider the case of a
European psychiatrist who
counseled many couples referred to him in which one of the spouses
experienced "morbid jealousy." Most of his
cases were husbands who had
delusions that their
wives were sexually unfaithful, and these
delusions destroyed the fabric of
trust required for
harmonious marriage. As he believed
that extreme jealousy was a psychiatric illness that could not be cured, his
most common recommendation was that the couples separate or divorce.
Many couples followed
As he was keenly interested in the subsequent fate
of his patients, he routinely contacted them after a number of months had
passed. To his astonishment, he discovered that many of the
wives of his patients had subsequently
become sexually involved with the very men about whom their
husbands had been jealous!
of these women actually married the men who were the objects of their husbands
suspicions. In many cases, the husbands
must have been sensing signs of infidelity. As
the wives proclaimed innocence and declared
that their husbands jealousy was irrational, the
husbands ended up believing that the
problem was in their heads.
Differences in desirability - when an "8" is
married to a "10" -
can heighten sensitivity to signals of infidelity in the
partner who has fewer outside mating options.
Jealousy is a part of
human nature because of the real threat of sexual treachery. Evolution has
forged elaborate defenses to detect and fend off threat of loss. Cutures have
developed elaborate moral codes in the attempt to reign in muderous
Jealousy can be emotional acid that
corrodes marriages, undermines
self-esteem, triggers battering, and
leads to the ultimate crime of murder.
Despite its dangerous manifestations, jealousy helped to solve a critical
reproductive quandary for ancestral men.
Jealous men are more likely to preserve valuable commitments for their
own children rather than squandering them on the children of their rivals. As
descendants of a long line of men who acted to ensure their paternity, modern
men carry with them the dangerous passion of jealousy that led to their
Extreme jealousy has been given many names the Othello
syndrome, morbid jealousy, psychotic
jealousy, pathological jealousy,
conjugal paranoia, and erotic jealousy syndrome.
Jealousy can destroy previously
harmonious relationships and is not
always a reaction to an infidelity that has already been discovered but may be
an anticipatory response to intutive feelings of infidelity.
"Labeling jealousy as
pathological simply because a spouse
has not yet strayed ignores the fact that jealousy can head off an infidelity that
might be lurking on the horizon of a
relationship." - David M. Buss
satisfaction of the
"Fulfilled desire may provide a sense of temporary
satisfaction; however, the pleasure we experience upon acquiring a new car or
home, for example, is usually shortlived.
When we indulge our desires, they tend to increase in intensity and multiply in
number. We become more demanding and less content, finding it more difficult to
satisfy our needs." - Dalai LamaLife is short and
pleasures of the flesh
of the flesh is impossible as pleasured flesh is a requirement of continued
existence. We need to eat
If we don't enjoy
what we are eating we can't digest it.
If we are unable to
digest and absorb nutrients we die.
Natural desire, holding the
'First No Harm' mindset foremost, is to be placated as natural desires are
simply calls from the Creator and Sustainer to perform natural duties as a
human animal becomes a human
being when it feels gratitude for the life sacrificed on behalf of its
Hedonism needs to be understood for what she
Hedonism can never be allowed free
reign for if she is not kept securely contained she can entirely absorb
Hedonism cannot be bound and
chained for if she is the Demons
gain control of her and turn her towards unnatural desire.
must be allowed to free range, especially on
sunny days, but she should be securely
locked up on dark stormy nights.
How are we rewarded for keeping
Hedonism is check?
- hedonic thermostat
- freedom from the trap of
from the paradox of hedonism
turned ankles on a wet winding path strewn with rocks
flesh cannot be pleased what does that leave?
true honor and
The societies of
man scream for the elevation of the individual but fall short in teaching the
one and only true way that one may be elevated.
others, accumulation of wealth
or the attainment of celebrity is generally
accepted by MICE culture as the badge of success.
The only true way to be truly elevated is to hold firm in treating
each individual with respect and dignity
regardless of social position.
Nobility is exercised when one embarks
upon a course beneficial for all.
Honor is exercised when one
travels a course beneficial for all.
Duty is exercised by staying the
"For the mind that is set
on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not
Law of God; indeed, it cannot." - Romans
"Compassion for me had taken on
the form and the being of my little Josette.
We had met long before, in
the rear of the millinery shop in which she worked at Tours.
smiled at me with singular persistence, and I caught her head in my hands,
kissed her on the lips - and found out suddenly that I loved her.
longer recall the strange bliss we felt when, we first embraced.
true, there are moments when I still desire her as madly as the first time.
This is so especially when she is away.
When she is with me,
there are moments when she repels me.
I dreamed of
a unique, an unheard of idyll with a woman far from the one with whom I had
hitherto lost all my time, a woman whose features I did not see, but whose
shadow I imagined beside my own as we walked along the road together.
Bracelets, necklaces, rings. The sparkling of the jewels made me feel
far away from them as do the stars.
A young girl looked at me with
vague blue eyes. What could I do against that kind of sapphire?
watched her bosom rising and falling, and her motionless face, and the living
book that was merged with her.
Her complexion was so brilliant that her
mouth seemed almost dark.
Her beauty saddened me.
I looked at
this unknown woman with sublime regret.
She caressed me by her
A woman always caresses a man when she comes near him and
they are alone.
In spite of all sorts of separation, there is always an
awful beginning of happiness between them." - Henri Barbusse
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new perspective with which to engage reality to which its author adheres. The
author feels that the falsification of reality outside personal experience has
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agents who wish to foist a corrupt version of reality on the human race.
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personal relation with the Creator and Sustainer through the pursuit of the
knowledge of reality in the hope of curing the spiritual corruption that has
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international corporate cartel already controls the world economic system,
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and is responsible for the collapse of morals, the elevation of self-centered
behavior and the destruction of global ecosystems. Civilization is based on
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the destruction of the family and the destruction of social structures that do
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